A Letter to Love

this is a letter for all the times you made me feel those stupid butterflies and that wretched hope for more of you. this is a letter not of contempt but of regret. i regret to ever cross paths with you, Love. to ever feel the lightness in my stride and the silent, gentle stroking in my heart that always left me breathless. i regret ever knowing you.

because every single time i find you in someone else’s soul, you burn me with the intensity to destroy.

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Sometimes, love is scarce. Sometimes, love could only be seen if you look closely, look for it in the corners.

Tonight, though, love is pouring. Love isn’t just brimming over the edges, it’s overflowing and as it falls you will see it tainted with anxiety, distorting its purity. It’s like this these days though. I try to talk myself out of overthinking, for it’s never been a good thing. It never made me feel better, but my mind always swam with possibilities.

Because that’s where we started, didn’t we?

A possibility.

What difference is it now, the possibility of you leaving me, of you not loving me anymore?

This is silly. You’ve assured me more than quite a few times, that I’m the one you love and every time I would feel secure.

However, when distance lengthens yet again, we part ways and I am left alone with my thoughts of what you could be doing, what could be in your mind, these thoughts haunt me. So once and for all, I’d like to, just like my love, pour everything. Just for it to trickle away from my system, just for the anxiety to lessen. Maybe if I see them on paper, my insecurities would seem silly, would seem too extra and ridiculous. Maybe once and for all, they’d stop nagging me. Stop clouding my mind.

I am deathly scared.

Of you leaving me, because I don’t want you to. Because I always saw the future with you. Because, fuck, I am so goddamn in love with you and it will always be like that. I would always be falling in love, more and more and more for the rest of my days.

I am deathly insecure.

Because I know I’m not…much. Because there is always somebody out there, hell, there are a lot of other women out there that I don’t amount to. They are better at something and you’d just look at them and I’d feel myself grow smaller and smaller.

They’re beautiful and not as much of a burden as I am. They are just SO MUCH BETTER than me, and every day as you carry on seeing them, being around them, and thinking of them I fear–my heart is squeezed into pulp by fear–that you’d start to want them over me.

I am deathly jealous.

Of girls you talk to comfortably without drama. Of girls you follow on social media who are so fucking gorgeous while I’m a fucking potato. Of girls.

Yeah, I’m that ridiculous. I’m jealous of any girl you see that makes you look at them twice.

Because, I want you to look at me the same way.

Because you used to, but not anymore.

Yeah, you’ve changed.

I’m not blaming you, no.

I guess I’m just realizing the changes and I’m not really okay with them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t change because I want you to grow as a person and become the man you want to be.

But forgive me, darling, for I don’t see love in your eyes sometimes.

I want you to look at me the way you look at other girls sometimes.

Yeah, with pure fucking lust, even.

I want you to love me the way you did four years ago.

When you were the one overflowing with love. When I was the one you pour all your love into.

It’s selfish and childish but I admit it’s what I want.

Because four years ago, you didn’t even give other girls a side glance. I was the only girl in your line of vision. I was perfection to you and it pleased me, it made me believe your love and it made me so secure that you will continue loving me that same way, that same unreal intensity for the days, months and years to come.

Oh boy, I was wrong.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but this is what I feel. Forgive me, but my heart is speaking and this time, I have to let it.

I never was envious of other couples. I was okay with us being lowkey with our relationship. But I guess so much has changed that I find myself wanting to be treated as loved as that guy treats his girlfriend, as that couple who look so happy together.

I want you to flaunt me. I want to see that same love in your eyes. I want you to want everyone to know how much you love me. I’m always the one who shouts to the world about how much I love you and you were there, just whispering, as if you didn’t want the world to know you were with me.

I keep saying this, I know this is selfish and this is childish but I just want to know that you still love me.

Because if our love is rain, I’m pouring and you’re a drought.

– s.c.m.

(went a little too far yikes)
(pls share or leave a like if you like it(??))

The Moment She Knew

The moment she knew, the world changed right before her eyes. The universe felt foreign, she was lost like a child in a world she didn’t know. She didn’t know anything else but the fact that she didn’t have the same place in your heart. For a moment, she didn’t know who she was, where she was or why she was there. The sky looked wrong. The clouds which used to remind her of life now weighed her down.

The moment she knew, you began to look like a different person. She could not see the person you used to be. Maybe you’ve changed for a while now, but the change only became evident in her eyes when she saw the words. Your arms that used to be the safest place in the world looked different. She wondered, how long has it been since those arms weren’t home to her fragile soul? How long since you became somebody else?

The moment she knew, her trust crumbled. What used to be strong and confident turned weak and fragile and insecure. Suddenly, she was alone. For the longest time, she never stood alone. She always had you. She knew no matter what happens, you will have her back. But now, there was nobody there. She stood on the ledge without harnesses, the cruelty of the world on her feet, threatening to throw her out of balance, to send her spiralling down the chasm.

The moment she knew, she died. She did. The world slowed down. Her heart stopped beating. Her lungs rejected air. Her feet buckled. She felt numb all over. For a moment, she was gone, her existence reduced to nothingness.

You lost everything. Her love, her trust, her. The moment she knew, you lost every kiss, every hug and everything else she had promised you for the rest of your life.

The moment she knew, you became no one to her. And just the same, she became no one, too.

words by scm

 photo from tumblr

one day

one day i would write about you and me
and i swear it wouldn’t hurt anymore
one day i’d be able to tell our story
and they’ll know how i loved you, how much i wanted more

but right now i’m stuck,
i’m confused and hurting.

every word i write is a sharp knife,
slashing across my chest where i see my love bleeding.
my tears are blurring the pages and everything else,
i can’t write shit, not a phrase, not a sentence.